being afakasi

me: yanno what bothers me a lot bout palagi
them: what?
me: i say FUCKIN PALAGI but i never mean individuals i mean palagi as a fuckin insitutution and as colonizers and shit
like i dont hate YOU. i don't hate my dad or my aunties or anythin
i hate the oppression n hardship they caused our people esp so BECAUSE i am half
constant reconciling girl
them: YAS MAMA PREACH
me: it's just so hard, havin to constantly find balance and inner peace esp when trying to not shun one side and also heal the other... FROM the side yr trying not to shun!!!!
ugh
them: YES
BUT its like you didn't have a choice.
me: EXACTLY
them: CUZ YOU DONT
AND ITS AWFUL
me: NODS AND ALSO CRIES A LITTLE BIT
i always feel like, as im on this journey of reclamation and healing, all my palagi friends are like thinkin "but u white too isnt that important/so what about YR DAD" etc etc and i'm like
i love my father but NAH i can look up stuff about euro americans all goddamn day on google but can i learn samoan online? is there a google translate for us or a comprehensive history i can just wikipedia at the drop of a hat?? GASP. NO???? AND WHY IS THAT??? b/c colonizers came in, told us our stories and cosmologies and EVERY SINGLE BELIEF was awful and savage and erased it and now trying to piece it together is hard and no one wants to do it because broken glass cuts. ke iloa (you know)????
them: like that's not an identity i can identify with--whiteness has never offered anything.
the white side did not give me my sense of family.
the white side did not give me my sense of honor.
the white side does not make me ache for not knowing whiteness.
me: YES
Y E S
okay gonna quote you on tumbls for a hot sec
cos that was perfect